The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today on Martha Stewart's Necromancy, we'll be comparing zombies and skeletons: Which is better? Plus, we'll have a special segment on how to get rid of the odor of decaying flesh.



First up, we'll examine the household use of zombies and animated skeletons.



Zombies are the traditional staple undead servant, considering their bodies are in at least moderate shape within the first year of death. However, brawn isn't everything when it come to household chores.



Zombies are almost useless for household cleaning. In addition to being sluggish workers, grave dirt and rotting flesh defeats the purpose of cleaning, and the flies they bring with them are a real nuisance.



By the same token, they make unsanitary cooks, and the ones which have had time to dry, such as mummies, run the risk of catching fire if they are to close to the stove.



What I have found to work best is to keep the zombies working in the garden. The smell blends with that of the compost heap, and their rotting remains help act as fertilizer. The vigorous work of gardening and farming also helps them work the rotting flesh off so they become the more useful skeletons, and the local birds will keep busy picking maggots of the zombie, rather than the seeds in your garden.



I consider skeletons to be the true workhorse of necromancy. Most corpses of ten years or more will rise as skeletons that simply need to be hosed off, then polished till they are pearly white. I recommend a good scrubbing with soap to get the residual flesh and grave dirt off, then a rinse and scrub with bleach to get those whites their whitest. If yu can manage it, lamination will save a great deal of cleaning time, especially if they get near the fireplace.



I commonly use my skeletons for most household chores. Their speed makes them ideal for dusting and vacuuming, which requires little strength. They also make superior waiters, coat-clerks, and cooks. A skeleton looks quite dashing in a tuxedo, and engraving upon the bone add a great deal of character. A little water-based paint can give them a festive air as well: a little orange and black and it has a pumpkin head, and kids love painting Easter-skulls.



Skeletons are also more convenient than zombies in that they take up less room. You can simply fld them down into a medium sizebox for moving or storage. Please, however, do not keep them in your closet. They take up valuable closet space, and the cliches it creates will prove to be a sour note at any get-together.



If you keep dogs as pets, I recommend teaching the dog as a pup not to chew bones.



For those of you who have been struggling with removing zombie-stink from your car or home, I reccomend gently rubbing the contact area with water, sprinkling it with baking soad, and wiping it clean. If it is in a car, or any area that receives a lot of heat, it is best to take it to a professional.



Please join us next time, when our topics include:





Ghostly servants or email: Which is more convenient?

Vampires: Are they sucking you dry?

The local community: Friends and neighbors, or corpse supply?

Thanks, and please tune in next time.

COMMENTS

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Theban
14:38 Jun 04 2009

This sooo makes sense lol

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POST COMMENT

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Amen and Blessed Be!!!

The castle and village are made entirely of Legos.

• Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg.

• Festival activities include "Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest."

• Ye Old Glassblower makes nothing but crack pipes.

• The meade is served in a coconut shell with a Fizzy straw.

• Everyone seems to have attended the Kevin Costner School of British Accents.

• Mosh pit follows the wandering minstrels.

• You get charged 5 bucks to take a leak behind Ye Olde Hedge.

• Guillotine exhibit closed due to pending litigation.

• Friar Tuck's pager keeps going off.

• "Tarry, wench, I prithee! Wouldst thou Macarena?"

• Merlin the Magician's only trick is "Got your nose!"

• Jousting Crips & Bloods

How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?



Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!

You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.

All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.

A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.

Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!

The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.

Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.

Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!

Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!

S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!

S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.

When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.

Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...

Keeps the local candle shop solvent.

Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.

S/he's always smiling peacefully!

Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!

Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.

Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.

Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".

Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!

At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.

Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.

Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...

You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?

You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.

S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...

You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...

Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.

Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.

Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.

Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.

Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.

Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.

You catch him/her hugging a tree.

Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.

Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.

The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.

Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.

To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.

You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.

You've never known him/her to go to a physician.

When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.

Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.

You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.

S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!

When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.

There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.

Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".

Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!



Score:

1-10: Probably just a bit odd.

11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.

21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.

31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.

41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!

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Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.

There is always a steak knife missing.

Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.

All your candle holders are missing.

They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.

Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of: a white or black full length bathrobe, blank journal books, window box herb gardens and a box of candles in assorted colors.

You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.

Your child now says "Merry Meet Again" every morning to you and whenever they leave they say "Merry Part".

Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can't make since of the recipe since it doesn't require any actual cooking.

Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like "RavenMoon" "StarWolf" or "SunDragon"

Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.

They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.

Thier pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.

You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifable etchings.

Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child's room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil

1) Light a candle on your roomie's, friend's, or relative's forehead while they are sleeping. See how long it takes for them to wake up. This will tell you how long you will live.



2) Tell your future by interpreting the patterns in popcorn, beer cans and cigarette butts left on the floor after your last party. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.



3) Choose an outfit for the day using a divining rod.



4) Determine what your friends have done during the day by smelling their odor eaters.



5) Go outside skyclad, come in and interpret the patterns in your goose bumps. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.



6) Tape music videos, play them backwards on your VCR and try to find subliminal images and rock stars that take on Satanic appearances.



7) Interpret forms in your sculptured carpet. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.



8) At breakfast, eat all but a few bits of cereal, then stir it vigorously and interpret the resulting designs. (I actually did this one!) It's a lot like reading tea leaves.



9) Develop a 'tarot' style deck using subscription card inserts from magazines.



10) In a restaurant, lay on the floor under a table and interpret the designs and patterns in the gum wads. IT'S A LOT LIKE READING TEA LEAVES!

Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.

Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.

Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.

Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.

Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.

Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.

Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.

Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.

Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".

Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.

Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".

Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests



9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone



8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit



7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins



6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet



5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake



4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him



3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" difficult on the older coven members



2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone



1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!

10. Sorry i really don't have time... I have to catch a different Plane (think about it if you don't get it right away)



9. Oh the circle on the floor... I play marbles alot.



8. (why are you wearing black?) I'm really a vampire but i use good sunblock.



7. All the herbs? I'm big on health food.



6. Oh i'm sorry, was i chanting you say? NO no, i was talking to my cat, i keep him in my purse..



5. Is that a lizard tail growing, or are you just happy to see me? (ladies only LOL)



4. You know, I'd love to eat.. err uhh.. i mean MEET your children. *smile*



3. I hear you know of a sale on red and white striped socks?



2. what's the matter? you act like you've never seen a Pentagram on a Witch before.



1. OH oh... are you handing out those firestarter booklets again? can i have one i ran out and my house is really cold?

1. Take the ritual sword from the alter and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber

noises.



2. Start skat-singing when chanting.



3. Take the ritual athame from the alter and start cleaning your nails with it.



4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.



5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.



6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!".



7. Call down the God with "Our father,who art in heaven..."



8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.



9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.



10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".



11. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.



12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.



13. Invoke Satan.



14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.



15. Light up a cigar.



16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.



17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.



18. At a handfasting say "Thank God! Maybe now i'll get some grandchildren!"



19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.



20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"

Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.

Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.

Rearrange their altar.

Clean their "tools."

If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...

Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.

Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.

Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.

Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.

Put on your best Billie Burke voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

Throw water on them and expect them to melt.

Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.

Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.

Take them to a Catholic Mass.

Turn their pentagrams upside down.

Recite good poetry during ritual.

Cast that circle counter-clockwise.

Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.

Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"

When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.

See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.

Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.

Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.

Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.

Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.

Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.

Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...

Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.

Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.

When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.

Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.

Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.

Men - wear amber and jet.

Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.

Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.

Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.

Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.

Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...

Put fire wood around the maypole.

An ATHAME is the gas you use for your grill.



A CENSOR is a drink you mix with alcohol.



ASTRAL PROJECTION is a home-made movie viewer.



A SYMPATHITIC LINK is when you feel sorry because your chain broke.



WICCA is that part of the candle that burns.



APHRODITE is a prehistoric bird.



ARCHETYPES is a kind of building structure.



BLESSED BE is the god of insects.



A BOOK OF SHADOWS contains silhouettes of friends or family members.



A BRAZIER is support wear for women.



CASTING is done with a fishing line, or on a set in Hollywood.



CHARGING is done with a credit card or battery.



The only way to get into a CIRCLE is to have the right of way.



Crystal CLEANSING is done with window cleaner.



CYCLES have to do with your washing machine and when to add fabric softener.



DEMETER is where you put your quarter when you park downtown.



A DOLMAN is a new brand of banana.



HANDFASTING is eating without utensils.



LEY LINES happen at the airport in Hawaii.



PAN is something you fry food in.



A QUARTER is 25 cents and still buys a cup of coffee. (Note: This person is not only new to magick, but they also haven't been out in a while!)



SKYCLAD is a shade of blue clothing.



A TRAD is a type of geometrical figure.



WHEEL OF FORTUNE is the game show with Vanna White.

The ritual feast is pureed.



Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.



The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.



Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.



The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.



The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.



The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.



When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.



It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.



The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.



You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.



You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.



You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.



At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.



You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.



You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.



You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.



All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed



Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.



A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.



No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.



When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."



When you set comfy chairs around the circle.



When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.



You do anointings with Aspercreme.



The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.



You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.



You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.



You use a walker during the Wild Hunt



You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.



You need a flashlight to find the candles.

You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" becasue otherwise you'd sue for religious harrassment. (Score double if you don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild".)



You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.



You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.



You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall--it had nothing to do with the skyclad bit!



You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.



You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.



You've ever publicly claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.



You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.



You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.



You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.



Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire: The Masquerade with notes in the margins.



You've ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted it was real.



You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants.) (Score triple if you admit to having sex with them.)



You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight and escaped.) (Score triple if it was no contest.)



You own a ceremonial bong.



You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Charmed, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.



You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.



You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.



You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damned good and well that they haven't read it either!



You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.



Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust". (Score double if you argued the point.)



You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary witch), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)



You claim to be a descendent of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this.)



Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.



You've ever used tongue delivering the Fivefold Kiss. (Score double if you did it more than once.)



You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick-up line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)



You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.



You request Samhain, Beltane, and Yule off and then bitch about working Christmas.



The main thing that drew you to Paganism was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.



You strip in an all-nude revue club under your Craft name, and consider it highly appropriate.



You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.



You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half the members.



You claim to be a great witch because you were trained early by the wise and powerful so-and-so. Of whom nobody has heard.



You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan rites.



You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because your ancestors (the ones before your Okie parents) were Native American or Irish.



You don't know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and alternatively claim to be both.



You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, dammit, they're Irish.



You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.



You hang out with people who match at least 15 of these traits.



You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't about you. But, boy, it's sure right about those other folks!

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.



2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"



3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.



4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.



5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.



6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.



7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.



8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).



9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.



10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".

For all intents and purposes, Betty Crocker Cultists believe whatever I, the Grand High Ladle, tell them to believe. The B.C.C. is a cult in the truest sense of the word, with one infallible leader, me. For indeed it was I, Badger Girl, who received the word of Betty, when I least expected it, right in the middle of an episode of the French Chef.



Thrust as I was, right in the middle of pagan controversies of all stripes, it was clear to me that there was something missing in our community as a whole. That thing was the Kitchen. Not just food, you see, but the Kitchen, with all of its wondrous utensils, appliances and storage capacities. I knew this to be the answer to many of today's modern pagan problems. Betty told me so. "Go forth to the stove" said Betty, and go forth I did, taking most of the women (henceforth to be known as "Ladies") of Green Man Grove with me, as I hate to eat alone.



And lo! Many splendid things did befall us as we cavorted amidst the Tupperware. Betty spoke to me as we did, and she sai, "Now you're cookin', kid!", and of course, She was right. Soon we all tired and Betty took advantage of the situation (as is Her way) to tell us of her many colleagues in the world of the "Other Kitchen." She spoke of Oscar Meyer, patron of fathers in the Kitchen, also She spoke of Little Debbie, Goddess of cellophane wrapped snack foods. the tale of the Pillsbury Doughboy (Poppin' Fresh, to the initiated), the God of phallic foods that go "Fuff" was revealed to us, as well as the story of Mrs. Paul, Queen of the Frozen Seas. Betty then bespoke of the twin deities of the most sacred barbecue flame, Lee & Perrin, and also of Aunt Jemima, keeper of the Holy Syrup (and it was good!). Finally Betty told us of that most well preserved of holy mean, Earl Tupper and we were silently awed by the miracle of the Burp Seal.



Surely did Betty talk a blue streak that fateful day! Then Betty told me that She had chosen me to be Her Grand High Ladle on this earthly plane, and to gather around me all the minions I could strong-arm into the Cult. "You and your initiated minions shall be know to the world as "The Dash Board"!" said Betty. Betty then explained the hierarchy to be adhered to within the Cult. The lowest initiates being the "Cups" and all higher initiates gradually getting smaller and smaller until achieving "pinchdom" if not actual "dashery." And so, I said unto Betty, "Sounds good to me!" and she seemed well pleased.



This is how I became the Grand High Ladle. I am chosen by Betty to lead you to the Kitchen and get you all cookin'. If you choose to follow, it will be by my say so and the approval of the Dash Board. The initiation will be grueling and with any luck, really intimidating. You seeker, may have finally come to the right place, then again, maybe not, only I can be the judge of that.

A virile young witch from Pine Bluff

Thought rituals were never enough

When wrapped up in clothes

Shirt, tie, pants and bows

So he practiced his craft in the buff



So this witch - one Henry by name

Felt solitaire his type of game

He leapt and he sprung

To songs he gave tongue

And the view from the rear brought him fame



A Dianic group in St. Croix

Believed men were no source of joy

So the God in the fall

Was not there at all

But was played by a lesbian named Roy



This coven that hated men's sass

Were trancing while out in the grass

The power they raised

Let them see a long ways

And they spotted the young Henry's ass.



The coven heard Henry sing

And the 13 saw his tush swing

It gave them pause

Then sufficient cause

To re-enact the rite of Corn King



A mighty cone they did raise

Young Henry was caught - in a daze

His ritual left him

His senses bereft him

Amid powerful visions of maize.



And then the Fairies did come

No voices - alas, they were dumb

They, too, on a quest

For a Pan who would jest

Then lo, they spied Henry's bum.



Now the Gardnerians out in Peru

Cried, "Forsooth, this never will do

For he practices bare

With nary a care

He therefore belongs to us too."



Old Crowley alone in his grave

Turned over and started to rave,

"What's this come to pass?

You're playing grab ass

And starting to practice deprave."



Then Gaia, the quarreling awoke

"What's this going on with my folk?

Three covens and a mage

Want bum center stage

Have you garnered consensus from the bloke?"



So together as one they all came

To celebrate Life and the Name

Of Goddess and God

Nuts, sweet fruit, and pod

But Henry went home just the same.



There once was a coven of nine

Who spent a whole night in a pine

They fell into trances

While sitting on branches

And sipping mulberry wine.



This coven, not known for their brain

Forgot to come out of the rain

And all through the night

their spirits took flight

While humming a Starhawk refrain.



They visited Napal and Tibet

The wisdom of the Llama to get

But the Dahli was away

to speak in Bombay

So they spoke at length to his pet.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster or murderer, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.



2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.



3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.



4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.



5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.



6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.



7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.



8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!



9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.



10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.



11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.



12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.



13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.



14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.



15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Salem, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.



16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.



17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple uns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.



18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.



19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.



20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.



21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.